Pretty good overall. Just a few points which could use improvement.

- Characters come off slightly OOC at times, which can occasionally take the reader out of the story. Namely, Lucina giving the villain group the info is rather baffling. Ten hours of tickling is intense, I get that, but ten hours of tickling does not outweigh the entirety of her miserable past life and the future she is risking in telling them the info they want to hear, just to make some tickling stop. This is not very sensible to her character. It would have been better to leave the reader to believe the tickling would simply be continued until they would eventually be saved... or until their minds would eventually break. Who knows? We couldn't know without a sequel, which means it would have been more impactful of a story.

- The set-up in this story is rather far-fetched. The idea that Chrom would have sent only four troops (including his own daughter) to do any mission is a bit of a risky choice. and couple this when considering this was a supply stealing mission. That supply unit would have been scouted before hand, unless something very valuable was believed to be stored on it, meaning they would be aware of the gas on it beforehand. Even then, the entire crew would have went after it, not just four units. Thus, a reason should have been established that only those four could go. Perhaps it was a stealth mission? Maybe the area was in enemy territory, and word of such an incident could start a war? This change wouldn't even have had to affect the set-up to capture, either. We could still have the same result, where the four girls were baited into finding the transport, and knocked out by the gas it carried. As it currently reads, it comes off as a bit forced and silly, and as a bit of a cop-out intro to just push things into motion.

- Would have liked some proper identification on the baddies here, as well. Who are they? Why do they need information on Ylisse/the Shepherds? Are they associates of Validar and the Grimleal? Or just a group of bandits? Even so, a name or two would have helped, even as original characters. A motivation outside of just "we need to know about your troop" would have gotten more out of those characters, perhaps even made us root for them in the tickling, or made the situation seem even more cruel, based upon knowing who they are, and why they're doing the tickling. As it stands in the story, it just seems as a crude group of men who got thrown this motivation simply as an excuse to get tickling going. Which isn't bad, but it lacks vision and originality, and doesn't really make the reader care about anything aside the fact that girls are being molested and tickled.


I understand this is just a story for tickling, and this is perhaps a tad over analyzed, but these factors do hold your story back in my opinion. You've got a good mind for this kind of thing, though! For next time, I would suggest offering more information on your villain groups so we understand their motivations, and trying to follow the source material a little more closely. Overall, as I said, still good, though! Hopefully this helps out. Good luck in your future writings!